Paulinahomess

My last words about you.

Dear Darling of mine,

You meant so much to me; you would never know how much I lloved you. Before my life had you, it was so dark, alone, its as if the world was still and I was asleep, having a feeling that I wasn’t meant to live. Life goes on for you, or well it did. I didn’t know what to do without you, but all along I did. Living each day waiting. The one reason I hate living so far is that we could only tlk through phone. No one knows how much i go through during the day, there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about you; I haven’t repretly say “I love you Chris”; I haven’t said one word about you. I fell in love with you, and woke up from that living nightmare, seeing the sun at the brightest, feeling something for the first time. Nothing is perfect without you. I have to admit, you are the greatest thing that happened to me. Everything about you made me fell in love with you. I dream about you, hoping you’ll surprisingly show up somehow, somewhere, nothing yet. Everyday at 11:11, you’re the first that comes in my mind. I can’t go a day without you, but sadly that day has been happening alot. I really miss you dear. I miss our crazy and random conversations. I wish I could have my bestfriend back. I want to spend a whole day talking to you like we used to. My life is going down the drains without you here to put that smile on my face. Whatever took place in the past is still in my heart. You gave me my reason to live, a reason to breathe, a reason to even smile. I need you, I need you here. Please, whatever you do, don’t leave me again on this cold world alone to live, I wouldn’t make it. I don’t know what you do to make me have this feeling I’m not sure of. I never felt like this before. “I smile everyday bz of you.” all I can say is that you are my everyday smile, no matter if you know it or not. I catch myslef day dreaming about you many times. I’m always thinking about you, thinkning about what to do with you. You are very confusing. I fell in love with you, nothings changing about that. Chris, I love you, I won’t forget you no matter how hard I try, You’re everything to me, you mean the world to me, I’m only here for you remember that, I love you. Darling of mine, Iloveyou <3

I had enough of this;

I really tired of wishing; I don’t need you if you’re just gonna keep putting me down. I really liked you, and everything about you was perfect. You always do this to me. I’m through with it. I thought you were different but I guess you’re just like every other guy. You don’t know how much it kills me right now to write this, I know I won’t be able to let you go this easy but I really have to. I can’t have this feeling of being so empty all the time anymore, I just can’t take it anymore. Talking to you just isn’t the same. I used to love it when you would flirt with me, but now you don’t. I understand why, but why now, and why not before? Sometimes I really hate you, and sometimes I’m just so in love with you. I don’t get you. I miss the days when you would call me babe, or hunn and say things like “I smile everyday bz of you” or “you made my heart all warm and fuzzy.” what happened to you? I really need you back. cause baby, you are my smile, you are my heart, nothing isn’t the same without you. I’m done trying, I’m done acting like I don’t care, I’m done with this Chris. I want to say goodbye, and leave. but before I do, I have one last thing to say, the world will end when this feeling goes away; you are the one I chose to fall in love with; i love you more than anything; I won’t let you go away completly. You don’t know how much this hurts, how much I love you, and how much I hate you right now. I guess I’m back to where it was before, when I was asleep, and the world stood still. Goodbye bestfriend, it was nice loving you.

hmm,

Nice try trying my make me feel bad, sad, or whatever you were doing. Mhhm, cause you totaly know who he is, you sure know him that much to say that shit. NIIICCEEEE. just to let yall know, I’m not dumb, I’m smart enough to know that isn’t him. hahaha, pretty sick of how people have no life to do that. grow up fuckers! :)

Baby,

You are my everything. I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re the greatest thing that happened to me. You’re the only reason why I’m still breathing today, the only reason why I’m living my life searching for an answer. I will risk anything to remain friends with you. Everything I talk to you, times goes by so fast, it doesnt even seem like it. I love the way you made me feel. I really miss you. You mean everything to me. Everything you do is simply amazing. No one will ever know truely how I feel about you. When you’re here, all my problems disappear, and I know I have you to talk to. but each time you leave, my life shatters and nothings ever the same. You don’t even know how long it takes for me to piece it back together. When my life is back in order, you do one small thing that tears it apart again. Nothing is perfect but when you’re here, they seem like they are. I loved it when you would say “Hey babe :)” or “Hey hunn”. but then something came up and nothing was ever the way I used to like it before. I’m tired trying to hide everything from you, I don’t want to make you feel bad like its your fault cause its not. But I think about you all the time, everything reminds me of you, you’re my life now. I need you, without you, I don’t know what I would do. You came and everything lite up, I lost a heart beat, the earth started rotating again. You’re my savior. I’m not going to give up on you, the day when we finally met will come, I won’t start believing. I have my fingers crossed. Baby, I tried forgeting everything about you, but the more I tried, the harder it was. You took control of my mind. My heart is where ever you are. cause there’s no mountain too high, no river too wide, no sky too blue, nothing will keep me from loving you. You’re my life, nothings changing that. I love you, I need you, I miss you.

2009 is around the corner.

Its the time of the year to count down the last hours, minutes, and seconds of the year. from this point in time, we have about 3 hours left. I’m bored with nothing to do. I was surpose to be babysiting tonight but my freaking stepdad was being a douche bag and had anger issues and started yelling at everyone, again, so my mom didn’t want to go. figures right? I had to turn down, Mandy, Andrea, Julainne, Chelsey, Ali, who else? I don’t even know, alot of people asked me. I’m soooo gald 2008 is ending, this was probably the HARDEST year of my life! So many things happened! I just hope 2009 will be better.

well since I got nothing better to do, Good things:2008,

1. I met have everyone I possibly need.

2. I figured out who makes my life great!

3. I was kinda happier this year.

4. I found out basically who I am. I’m not perfect but I got a picture.

5. I have the best of the best friends.

6. I lost lionhead! ;]

but the Bad things:2008,

1. So many people lefted.

2. I cried over so much this year.

3. My life felt like hell.

4. theres people who tried making my life horrible.

5. I made stupid mistaks that I’m rejecting today.

6. I acted so kidish, I need to grow up.

So im hopeing 2009 will be more of a breeze for me. I want to forget about everything that happened this year and move on. I want to try to get my bestfriend back, I miss him. I want to grow up. I want to start acting more mature. I want to make better choices that I won’t be rejecting later. I  want to change this back to where they used to be. I want to feel free. I don’t want to feel like everytime I try to do something, that I’m doing it wrong. I want to keep everyone I have through the whole year. Lets just hope the new year will be fresh.

come on 2009, please make this a good one.